Jingle me silly big boy and an orgasmic New Year!

Ho ho hos!

They're everywhere but my master just can't seem to scratch the itch on my neck nor am I given the opportunity for any form of spelunking. All these cock blocking relative visits are whithering my mojo into low blows and I'm really out of practise with my reverse cowgirl. However my pretties you can still have some holiday "cheer" if you LISTEN UP and let your old uncle P tell you how to survive the holidays without lowering the gauge on your sexometer.

1. If Santa asks you to sit on his lap, don't question "why" the candy cane in his pocket.

2. If aunt Bess asks you to kiss her on the cheek, go French. 67% of the time she'll think it's an accident.
(note avoid drunk uncle Steve because psychiatrists are expensive)

3. When making the roast bird, do not be afraid of stuffing it with something other than corn flour and asparagus.

4. Technically 2nd cousins are not really related to you.

5. When having guests over for dinner, don't be afraid to drop in subtle sexual innuendos in your conversations such as "My roasted yams aren't the only things that are hot and pink" or "These party poppers are really hard to pull, nothing seems to be coming out. Can you help me?"

6. Grab the ugly faced girl in the room if you have no one to kiss during the new year countdown. That's what paper bags are for.

7. When dancing with any hot relative, any form of close grinding can have positive outcomes without having the bad one night stand and the morning's early chase down by your enraged uncle.

8. You know the trick where you cut out a hole in a box, stick your finger in, pour some blood over it and pretended that there's a cut off finger inside? Now do that but pretend like you just gave her a vibrator. Works for pizza boys.

9. In the really difficult cases, Christmas lights and Christmas stockings can double up as ropes and gags.

10. Don't be a jerk and stick a roofie into the girl's champagne. Share it with everyone and slip it into the bottle. The Romans call this an orgy.

That's it! If it doesn't work I guess it's back to the sticky magazines.
And remember my lovelies.
A bird in your hand is worth 2 fingers in her bush



Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Google Me

Hey Stalkers,

I’m Google famous!! So I’m the famed Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

As you can tell from my unusually short opening line, this is going to be a microscopic update. Its sole purpose is just to scream, “I’m famous now and all you CF out there should step aside”. A bit of a slap on the face you say? Well I’m a winner.. And I bet that bastard Thai boy, Thaksin is kicking himself for cheating on me now, HAH!!

Anyway, here’s what I’m on about. I Google searched myself just a second ago. Vain? I know. But would you believe it, I’m the first hit!! A bit skeptical? Well try it yourself, Google search “Arafat’s Penis”, and the first hit is yours truly!! Me!! All one and quarter inch of me!! Next stop a facebook fanpage or a wiki page even!! After that, the silver screen!! Though.. Actually the role that I might be offered can be some what limited due to my nature..

All jokes aside though, I’d like to thank my lovely Stalkers for their stalking and support. Keep on stalking this space people!!


Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Time Out!!

Hello Stalkers,

As adequately put by this entry’s title, we’re taking a break!! That’s right people; a break from studies, a break from those cheating bastards, a break from this weather. Finally, we’re heading home. So I’m Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

Finally I’m getting myself out of this godforsaken land!! After spending months freezing the twins off in the English winter, I’m coming back to Kuala Lumpur, hello “optimal little Arafats producing temperature”. By the end of this break, even Michael Phelps can’t beat these babies. For those KL crotches who are interested for a reunion, this not so little pinky is making his return tomorrow!! Yup, we’re taking a break from everything except the Tupperware Parties. Well, certain habits are nigh on impossible to break.

As you can surmise from this and previous entries, this whole blog in fact, I’m a horny little bugger. As such, I’m going to be inundated by Tupperware Parties, thus this leaves little time for me to update this little “Peeping Tom” of a hole into my life. Good news is that I’ve got more one on one time for those who have the balls to ask.

Anyway, this is me signing out of the web and signing into your pants.


Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of screeen filming!

Felicitations,

In my time of day when master does not decide to take me out like a guitar and give me a little twang, I watch bucket loads of movies. So here's some of the movies that i think you should come to.


Dragon Ball Z

To be honest I thought my two good friends would touch the floor before I ever got to see a live action movie of Dragon Ball Z, but with the men having hair like they've watched There's Something About Mary too many times I get worried. The bright side is more American women doing cosplay to look like the girls in Dragon Ball Z. Please don't ruin this movie or I'll never give sexual pleasure ever again.

Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans

Dear God, we thank thee once again for putting Kate Beckinsale in skin tight clothing and letting her be taken by werewolves an...... wait a flying falangie! Who the foreplay is Rhona Mita? That Doomsday girl? Okay. I'm too sad to continue. NEXT! (sounds of masturbating stop)

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Oh lookie lookie, my fantasies of dolls turning into real people have come true. G.I. Joe, as you know, use to teach me that "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!" then they go on to shoot many many bad guys with their big guns. Army men fighting terrorist. Wow. That doesn't happen in real life. Now if King Cobra opens his mask and turns out to be Osama bin Laden, I'd die happy.

The Spirit

Good old Frank Miller is a God, by simply waving his hands, has somehow opened my helmet, took a peek inside and turned Jessica Alba into a bootylicious stripper with his left hand and zapped speedos on 300 men with his right hand. With his new movie the spirit, he's manage to coax the Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendez into thinking that they are naughty and need to be spanked while giving Samuel L. Jackson a hammer a size smaller than his fleshy one. I should know. (wink, wink) I can't wait to give this one a good seeing to.

Star Trek

Personally I'm not a 45 year old man living in his mother's basement with a Dorrito coloured
winkie but I get all aroused when they say that J.J. Abrahams is doing the new Star Trek movie. I shrunk into my balls when I saw the evil man eating cloud in Lost and cheered on that huge beast in Cloverfield so I must say that maybe I'll give it a go to wearing a skin coloured vagina on my foreskin while growing a pubic beard and speak in the language of geeks everywhere.

Watchmen

If Batman was a prick into the dark side of super heroism, this movie will be the Ron Jeremy's dick fitted into the tiny orifice of dark super hero movies. If you've read this comic before you're probably need dentures before you can blow but please go see this movie and give it the old yahoo. Besides, you all know how I am with men and women in tights. My S&M fantasy grows ever closer as more movies like this make it okay for normal people to wear these kinds of clothes in public, and for that, I stand tall and salute you!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Chinese people everywhere have to put a new animal in their calenders as indeed this seems the year of the Wolverine. I preferred watching Hugh Jackman when he hosted that musical award show that nobody watches, he seemed so much happier then, but I cannot lie and say that I do not look forward to this movie penetrating the market once again and giving us all orgasms as we sit in our ten dollar chairs.


Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

(Masturbating sounds start up again) Okay so there's no poster for this movie, yet. When it does come out I know that it will be that of Megan Fox covered by only a see through sheet in a compromising position or else I shall personally spill my home made Mountain Dew all over Michael Bay's garden. Big robots and Megan Fox! What's not to like? Now if only I could get big robots WITH Megan Fox. I'd die of over-ejaculation, but happy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

"I'm safe with you Harry," if that is not the official slogan for the national American man boy love association I don't know what is. I do enjoy adults acting as teenagers but only in Japanese porno so when they said there will be the same cast for this movie I was less than enthused. However the bright light in this movie is seeing how much Hermoine Granger has grown. I'd dress up as a wand and stick it to her any day.


The Day the Earth Stood Still

If any of you have ever watched the original movie you'd notice that the alien was a stiff robot that spoke in a monotone that could only move to the beat of Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto so I guess casting Keanu Reeves as the main actor was for original movie authenticity. I look forward to the day everyone stops worrying about the world blowing up and agree to have a threesome with me. Ho hum. I digress. This movie will entertain you, if you're a smelly ginger head man walking with a huge sign saying "Da edn of da wurld is nigggh."

Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

I'm sad to say this but saber tooth squirrels trying to catch their nuts has finally lost its comedic value. Why did Ray Romano stop making "Everybody loves Raymond," and switch to this crap? I rather see his white ass humping his MILF of a wife then 2 large woolly mammoths playing twister. Please get eaten by that large dinosaur and put us out of our misery.


Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian

Uh-oh. I gave away the ending to the plot. Whoopsie. Now I guess you have to go watch a REAL movie. That being said, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the first movie greatly but when you replace Robin Williams with Amy Adams I'm gonna stab you in the butt. I will watch this movie, but only if I get the option of not watching it to some kid asking his mum what's happening every 3 seconds.

Terminator: Salvation

I refuse to watch a Terminator movie where I don't hear the words "Hasta La Vista Baby" but our Knight in Dark Amour Christian Bale has come to save the day. Or well, the future. I don't know much about this movie but if the Guh-vuh-nar of Kali-for-nia flashes his pecs at me and says "Go see my movie now puny man," I'll buy all the seats in the house.

Angels and Demons

Finally! A movie with no men and women in tights shooting laser beams out of their eyes, wait, what am I cheering for? I love my tights. It makes me look, larger. Angels and Demons? More like Atheists vs. Jesus. I enjoy reading the books and finding conspiracies behind every single Jesus related material such as Christmas actually being the day when the Atheist Lord rising from Dan Brown's head to destroy all religion. I'll go watch this movie but only because Tom Hank charms me like a snake rising out of a basket and to see the expression of uncomfortable Christians squirming as they're being told that their whole life is a lie. Oh joy! Oh by the way there are no arguments in this blog about religion because I don't want to get bombed in my hotel room or get the finger from the pope.

So in conclusion, go watch movies. They're good for your imagination and remember, tight clothing is the new in thing especially around me.

Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses,

AP

Every Sperm is Sacred!

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

The Penis Song by Monty Phython

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger.
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork.
Your wife's best friend.
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public.
Or they will stick you in the dock.
And you won't a-come a-back.

Hugs and Kisses,
AP

The Anti-Me Device

Hello Stalkers,

I had a pretty abysmally mundane day today, no invites to any "Tupperware Parties" and Fabio's gone to the Dominican Republic for a shoot while Thaksin is off to work, more on that later. Though honestly, just between you and me, I think both of them are cheating on us. Damn you forrest!! Anyway, this meant that it's going to be a quiet day at home and good old carrier here decided to hit the information highway for some lovin'. Hello Pop Friction and Hard School Musical 2, yeah they've made a sequel.. After the work out we stumbled upon an interesting article and oh my.. So I am Arafat's Penis and here's what I'm thinking..

They say information in this day and age is power, but sometime certain information can make your knees buckle, your face cringe and the twins retract. Here's what I'm on about, while doing some Redtubing, we stumbled upon an article cheekily entitled "Sex Tools for Tools at Sex". It was quite interesting as the article filled my carrier's head with kinky ideas and mine with blood, but half way down, the article got a tad weird. It started to ramble on about sex in the Medieval times, and somehow that lead to this odd device. In an effort to curb rape, those sick people came up with this particular anti-rape device. My first thought was: Rape? What's rape? You see with my carrier here, it's actually impossible to rape him, because you'll just end having conventional sex.. The only difference is whether or not he'll spoon you. Consequently, he's actually really bad at Rape Roleplay nights.

Anyway the article goes on describing this device as being conical in shape which is then inserted into the rapee's no.1 or no.2 depending on your preference. Now here's the bit where it's a bit of a mind fuck-slash-rape, ready? The interior of the device is lined with rusty Medieval razors which are pointed inwards. So picture this , it'll be easy for me and my colleagues to go in, but upon exit.. Yea.. Ouch.. If the shredding didn't get you, gangrene will.. As usual got to go, looks like someone's having a nightmare, yup definitely a nightmare the twins are a bit shy.

Till next time,

Hugs and Kisses

AP

17 x 4.0885235294117647058823529411766 = 69

Hi genitalmen and laidies,

As my master is now undertaking some culinary skill called "spooning" I figure I have a few minutes to write about what happened to me recently before the 2nd rund begins. However, often enough you find yourself in an experience so horrifying that you are at a lost for words and somehow my loss of words happened to arrive in the lost Japanese art of Haiku.

Young man meets woman,
Sexual horizons whispered,
I am intrigued,

I am so wasted,
As far as I know she hot,
Anticipation,

We undress on bed,
And soon I hit second base,
But wait a minute,

There balls on my face,
Turns out I am not alone,
Sixty Nine point Nine.

Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses
AP

Brazilian

Hello Stalkers,

I might have to keep this rant a tad shorter than usual, as I’m sore all over and no, unfortunately, it’s not in a happy way. So I am Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

So what happened? A Brazilian is what happened. When I say Brazilian, no I don’t mean getting freaky with Pedros and Ronaldinhos, what I mean is.. erm.. how do it put this.. err.. “deforestation”? Indulge me for a minute here and let me start from the beginning.

Recall that last month I decided to don a costume for Halloween. Well, let’s just say that the tripod costume had a dodgy zipper, and that when I eventually return it, it went back with few strands of hair stuck to it. Yup that Arafat sure has the looks but not the brains. The simple fact of the matter is, when something is stuck, the use of force is not going to help. Anyway after the incident, the good old carrier here thought it would be a good idea to go “industrial logging” on the little tropical rainforest we have here, and got ourselves what’s called a Brazilian.

Before this point, I had no idea what a Brazilian was. So when I was covered with warm honey scented wax, I thought it was just another fancy name for what basically is Wonderful Warm Wax Wednesday. Wow, was I wrong!! When that sweaty Thai boy, took rein of the cotton strip and yank it off my warm pink flesh, yea… ouch…

Three hours and 23 cotton strips later, to my horror and despair, the boy said he could do no more for the day, which mean that we’re going back to Thaksin’s Tom Yam and Beauty tomorrow.. Sigh.. Oh yea, did I mention that Thaksin's little hair removal salon doubles as a Thai restaurant, guess they haven't heard of Food Handling Certification.

Anyway, like I said I’m in excruciating pain and I don’t think I could manage another sentence. So here’s me signing off..

Till next time,

Hugs and Kisses

AP

AP gets Political

Howdy ya'll and yippe kay yay!

Me greeting you this way does not necessarily mean though that I support McCain but what I wouldn't do to have a little bumpy bumpy time with the old man. I always did like more mature folk. Too bad for him OBAMA managed to suck on more of us than he did.

Let me get something to you straight! I hate both candidates and I love both of them as well. You know that I want to rim both of them for their sexy policies and hopes and dreams, but I also want to squirt my juices into their eyes for the fact that they're politicians, and guess what penises and pussies? All politicians are LIARS!

Look at Gordon Brown that fat ass, the hope for Britain, stunning disappointment he was except for the swimsuit calendar he released featuring him and Her Royal Sexy-ness.

So that's all I'm saying on the matter folks. America finally got its first black President and I orgasm in joy, but lets not forget that he's a politician and therefore the hope we place in him will be his biggest downfall.

Till next time,
Remember, ball sacks are not hackey sacks, never kick them if they fall down,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

The Bendy Penis

Hey y'all,

Just bounced in from Arafat's bed and boy are my balls tired.

Okay, enough with the pleasantries and more with the bang bang bang (not literally though, unless you really want it that bad)

Yesterday I caught myself thinking.Halloween is just around the corner and I have nothing to wear! I mean of course they design costumes shaped like us for the general public like this little number,but what about me?? What does a lonely little soldier boy like me wear for such a daring event like Halloween? Its penis-ist I tell you. Discrimination against all of us large and small. We have rights as well. We all have minds of our own. Everyone knows that.

Luckily I stumbled upon a site which has proved to be more accommodating to our purple head wearing needs and boy oh boy, costumes galore. I need your help though I'm not really sure what I'm going to go as but here's the shortlist.

Sexy sheep, I know my boss would love this one seeing as it has happened before. Ahhhh reliving memories with this costume will surely put us in the right mood. Mmmhmmmm.

Sexy snake, now here's a new one for the books. We've never done this before but its not like he ever needed a flute to raise my head.

Or I could go as that bitch who gave us genital warts. Of course its not flaring now ladies but actually to my surprise some of you enjoy driving across bumps. No idea why. Must be a girl thing. No wonder they say girls are the worst kind of drivers.

Finally, I could go as a Smaller Penis. I mean. My monstrous size has known to cause certain people to faint at the sight no matter how tough he is. So maybe this little knob will deter them from actually realizing my true form and actually let me surprise them for once.

Well that's about it ladies and gents. Let me know what ya think. I'm eager to know. Oh shit. It's morning already and Arafat's about due for his morning hardy. Right right, got to straighten myself up.

Till next time,

Always remember to clean your friend once a day,

Hugs and Kisses

AP

Tupperware Party.. Among Other Things

Hello Stalkers,

After spending an entire day advocating the benefits of air-tight food storage at a potpourri filled Tupperware Party, my carrier is now all tuckered out and sound asleep, all clear. So I am Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

I hate potpourri!!! That’s what I’m thinking.. In fact I hate everything remotely suburban housewife-ish, from the floral décor to the plastic covered sofas. The worst by far was definitely the early nineties rosy wallpaper which adorned the room from top to toe. Sadly, such is my predicament, the result of being brought to life attached to this particular carrier. God was probably having a good laugh 20 years ago, when he decided to put the two of us in the same equation. One up north and one down south. 

Though here’s the pièce de résistance of this story. Instead of a room filled with slightly hormonal but potentially attractive housewives, which one would come to expect from these Tupperware parties, the rosy room was packed with men!! I have to make this clear, unlike my carrier I actually don’t swing in that particular direction. Like I said, God was probably having a good laugh 20 year ago and by the looks of things, still is.

After the “lovely lady boys” have put in their multi-coloured Tupperware orders, they erm.. how should I put his.. they decided to have another party, a party in the pants. I mean all this is fine, just as long as they’ve got the proper consent from the all the individuals who are involve right? WRONG!! They did not get my consent!! You’ve got to keep in mind that a party in the pants involves the equipment in the pants, and I am the equipment!! I was violated in the most weird way, I feel so dirty.. So used.. Sigh..

So yeah, I had not only an exhausting day but a pretty dirty one as well. Dirty in the behavioral sense as well as the hygienic sense. Oh look someone’s waking up, and looks like he did not have enough.. Oh hello left hand.. Hmm happy days..

PS: Thanks for the lovely responses for the poem.

Till next time,

Hugs and Kisses

AP

Poem for the Twins

Oh mighty twins!

Hanging behind me,

Too afraid to show your might,

Be free! Take flight,

But if you were to go,

I would be sad,

For I then cannot show my head,

Around my pussycat,

Damn you Cancer!

You shall not pass!

Oh mighty twins!

If you were to twist,

You'd cause me much pain,

A stain,

On the bedroom floor,

Colder than ever before,

Without you,

I am but a gunless barrel,

On the beaches of Normandy,

Fighting off the killer crabs.

Oh mighty twins!

It's a good thing you are here,

On my expeditions,

Too fat to come inside,

I know you have my back,

What a journey!

What a journey!

Oh sweet relief,

You're looking thin,

My twins.

AP

Hello World

Dear Blogspot,

This is going to be the first of many entries to this page. However due to logistical constraints, that being me attached to my carrier's crotch, I might encounter some problems in posting frequently. Though fear not, as always I'm ready to rise up to the occasion. No pun intended.. And yess, I do rise to the occasion.. ocasionally..

Anyway, now that I've got that out of the way, I can continue to pour my heart out onto the world wide web for random stranger and stalkers to read and scrutinise as bloggers do. So I am Arafat's Penis and here's what I'm thinking..

There is a significant amount of skeptics of this site's existence floating around FaceSpace or MyFace or what ever it is called, and well I just don't get it. What are they being skeptical about? Is it the fact that Arafat has a penis or is it the fact that it has emotions and the ability to write.. Sigh.. 

Though either way, looks like I'm getting the attention that I deserve. A point worth noting is that I do have some fans or well a fan. This particular dare I say it, admirer points out that me Arafat's penis is the best!! Oh happy days.. Hmm.. Oh crap, he's rousing got to go..

Till next time,

Hugs and Kisses 

from your favourite penis

AP