They're everywhere but my master just can't seem to scratch the itch on my neck nor am I given the opportunity for any form of spelunking. All these cock blocking relative visits are whithering my mojo into low blows and I'm really out of practise with my reverse cowgirl. However my pretties you can still have some holiday "cheer" if you LISTEN UP and let your old uncle P tell you how to survive the holidays without lowering the gauge on your sexometer.
1. If Santa asks you to sit on his lap, don't question "why" the candy cane in his pocket.
2. If aunt Bess asks you to kiss her on the cheek, go French. 67% of the time she'll think it's an accident.
(note avoid drunk uncle Steve because psychiatrists are expensive)
3. When making the roast bird, do not be afraid of stuffing it with something other than corn flour and asparagus.
4. Technically 2nd cousins are not really related to you.
5. When having guests over for dinner, don't be afraid to drop in subtle sexual innuendos in your conversations such as "My roasted yams aren't the only things that are hot and pink" or "These party poppers are really hard to pull, nothing seems to be coming out. Can you help me?"
6. Grab the ugly faced girl in the room if you have no one to kiss during the new year countdown. That's what paper bags are for.
7. When dancing with any hot relative, any form of close grinding can have positive outcomes without having the bad one night stand and the morning's early chase down by your enraged uncle.
8. You know the trick where you cut out a hole in a box, stick your finger in, pour some blood over it and pretended that there's a cut off finger inside? Now do that but pretend like you just gave her a vibrator. Works for pizza boys.
9. In the really difficult cases, Christmas lights and Christmas stockings can double up as ropes and gags.
10. Don't be a jerk and stick a roofie into the girl's champagne. Share it with everyone and slip it into the bottle. The Romans call this an orgy.
That's it! If it doesn't work I guess it's back to the sticky magazines.
And remember my lovelies.
A bird in your hand is worth 2 fingers in her bush
Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses
AP
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