In my time of day when master does not decide to take me out like a guitar and give me a little twang, I watch bucket loads of movies. So here's some of the movies that i think you should come to.
Dragon Ball Z
To be honest I thought my two good friends would touch the floor before I ever got to see a live action movie of Dragon Ball Z, but with the men having hair like they've watched There's Something About Mary too many times I get worried. The bright side is more American women doing cosplay to look like the girls in Dragon Ball Z. Please don't ruin this movie or I'll never give sexual pleasure ever again.
Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans
Dear God, we thank thee once again for putting Kate Beckinsale in skin tight clothing and letting her be taken by werewolves an...... wait a flying falangie! Who the foreplay is Rhona Mita? That Doomsday girl? Okay. I'm too sad to continue. NEXT! (sounds of masturbating stop)
Oh lookie lookie, my fantasies of dolls turning into real people have come true. G.I. Joe, as you know, use to teach me that "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!" then they go on to shoot many many bad guys with their big guns. Army men fighting terrorist. Wow. That doesn't happen in real life. Now if King Cobra opens his mask and turns out to be Osama bin Laden, I'd die happy.
Good old Frank Miller is a God, by simply waving his hands, has somehow opened my helmet, took a peek inside and turned Jessica Alba into a bootylicious stripper with his left hand and zapped speedos on 300 men with his right hand. With his new movie the spirit, he's manage to coax the Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendez into thinking that they are naughty and need to be spanked while giving Samuel L. Jackson a hammer a size smaller than his fleshy one. I should know. (wink, wink) I can't wait to give this one a good seeing to.
winkie but I get all aroused when they say that J.J. Abrahams is doing the new Star Trek movie. I shrunk into my balls when I saw the evil man eating cloud in Lost and cheered on that huge beast in Cloverfield so I must say that maybe I'll give it a go to wearing a skin coloured vagina on my foreskin while growing a pubic beard and speak in the language of geeks everywhere.
If Batman was a prick into the dark side of super heroism, this movie will be the Ron Jeremy's dick fitted into the tiny orifice of dark super hero movies. If you've read this comic before you're probably need dentures before you can blow but please go see this movie and give it the old yahoo. Besides, you all know how I am with men and women in tights. My S&M fantasy grows ever closer as more movies like this make it okay for normal people to wear these kinds of clothes in public, and for that, I stand tall and salute you!
Chinese people everywhere have to put a new animal in their calenders as indeed this seems the year of the Wolverine. I preferred watching Hugh Jackman when he hosted that musical award show that nobody watches, he seemed so much happier then, but I cannot lie and say that I do not look forward to this movie penetrating the market once again and giving us all orgasms as we sit in our ten dollar chairs.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
(Masturbating sounds start up again) Okay so there's no poster for this movie, yet. When it does come out I know that it will be that of Megan Fox covered by only a see through sheet in a compromising position or else I shall personally spill my home made Mountain Dew all over Michael Bay's garden. Big robots and Megan Fox! What's not to like? Now if only I could get big robots WITH Megan Fox. I'd die of over-ejaculation, but happy.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
"I'm safe with you Harry," if that is not the official slogan for the national American man boy love association I don't know what is. I do enjoy adults acting as teenagers but only in Japanese porno so when they said there will be the same cast for this movie I was less than enthused. However the bright light in this movie is seeing how much Hermoine Granger has grown. I'd dress up as a wand and stick it to her any day.The Day the Earth Stood Still
If any of you have ever watched the original movie you'd notice that the alien was a stiff robot that spoke in a monotone that could only move to the beat of Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto so I guess casting Keanu Reeves as the main actor was for original movie authenticity. I look forward to the day everyone stops worrying about the world blowing up and agree to have a threesome with me. Ho hum. I digress. This movie will entertain you, if you're a smelly ginger head man walking with a huge sign saying "Da edn of da wurld is nigggh."
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
I'm sad to say this but saber tooth squirrels trying to catch their nuts has finally lost its comedic value. Why did Ray Romano stop making "Everybody loves Raymond," and switch to this crap? I rather see his white ass humping his MILF of a wife then 2 large woolly mammoths playing twister. Please get eaten by that large dinosaur and put us out of our misery.
Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian
Uh-oh. I gave away the ending to the plot. Whoopsie. Now I guess you have to go watch a REAL movie. That being said, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the first movie greatly but when you replace Robin Williams with Amy Adams I'm gonna stab you in the butt. I will watch this movie, but only if I get the option of not watching it to some kid asking his mum what's happening every 3 seconds.
Terminator: Salvation
I refuse to watch a Terminator movie where I don't hear the words "Hasta La Vista Baby" but our Knight in Dark Amour Christian Bale has come to save the day. Or well, the future. I don't know much about this movie but if the Guh-vuh-nar of Kali-for-nia flashes his pecs at me and says "Go see my movie now puny man," I'll buy all the seats in the house.
Angels and Demons
Finally! A movie with no men and women in tights shooting laser beams out of their eyes, wait, what am I cheering for? I love my tights. It makes me look, larger. Angels and Demons? More like Atheists vs. Jesus. I enjoy reading the books and finding conspiracies behind every single Jesus related material such as Christmas actually being the day when the Atheist Lord rising from Dan Brown's head to destroy all religion. I'll go watch this movie but only because Tom Hank charms me like a snake rising out of a basket and to see the expression of uncomfortable Christians squirming as they're being told that their whole life is a lie. Oh joy! Oh by the way there are no arguments in this blog about religion because I don't want to get bombed in my hotel room or get the finger from the pope.
Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses,
AP
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