And the Oscars go to! Pt.1

Hey Jude!

Please, oh please! Don't make it bad. Let the Oscars go to the right people, but what can us mere mortals do when it is the great gods of the 'Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' that toss in their votes, throw their big sacks around and decide who we can jerk off to?

Oh well, at least we get to vote during the prestigious People's Choice Awards. *comical pause*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my, oh my, *single tear* Excuse me. Heh heh

Oooh Lordy.

Anyway, here is the FIRST part of everyone's favourite penis's reviews on the nominated movies. (This review does not include foreign films, documentaries or short films, because lets face it, they're not real movies.)

Frost/Nixon

Someone though it would be a brilliant idea to take a really, really old interview and turn it into a movie. Normally this would be a bad idea since it would be well, boring. However this someone is the same screen writer who wrote, 'The Last King of Scotland' and 'The Queen'. So I begrudgingly watched it and guess what? I didn't hate it and neither did the academy because they nominated them for 5 awards. So now that we know this formula works. Someone please make a movie about that interview with Howard Stern and those babes who like to ride that vibrating horse saddle. Please?

Changeling

Angelina Jolie's first Academy Award for not acting as a skanky ho with lots of tattoos. One thing though. I didn't understand the movie. She lost her boy and so they gave her a brand new one. So why is she complaining? It's not like she remembers the father of that one night stand anyway. For all she knows, the kids could have been brothers. They look the same to me, but then again to me all you white people look the same.

The Visitor

A soulless, passionless man who has lost his way in life. I can relate to that, me being stuck in a pair of overly tight jeans, with no woman or man to fondiddle for over 5 months, force to release my tension over a stupid! Worthless! Blog! Just because my master can't flirt to save his life! Stuck being limp and brittle! Years without any sort of personal petti....... Ahem, sorry lads and lassies. Just a bit of the old tiger jumping out of the cage there. Ahem, anyway yes, ahem, this movie. Good.

Frozen River

This movie is about lesbians or immigrants or disgruntled husbands or something. Ok, I didn't actually watch this film per say but in my defense I did watch the first 5 minutes of this and then fell asleep. I then watched Iron Man for the fourth time and didn't feel like maiming myself anymore. Do me a favour, watch something else. I guarantee you won't feel like slitting your dorsal vein. Er, best of luck to you Frozen River people?

Doubt

Without a "Doubt" this movie will at least one of the 5 awards its been nominated for, but have you seen this movie? It's about Meryl Streep being sexually frustrated and can't stand Philip Hoffman for not playing by her rules like all the other good little boys do under her domination, it then turns out she and Hoffman always get really close to getting it on with one other but like a premature ejaculation, its over before it even starts. Oh beat me too Meryl, I've been a bad little boy or at least pass it to Amy. Meow!

Waltz With Bashir

Stunning movie about a Jew who can't remember a thing about his war in Lebanon while all his friends are having nightmares. Aww, poor guy. Let me ask the 500 plus plus dead Lebanese what they think. Nope. They don't seem to care much with them being dead and all. Sorry Ari, not a bad movie, just bad movie timing I guess. Otherwise your movie with its cartoon boobies would have normally been on top of my stack of Playgirls for easy reach.

Bolt

John Travolta AND Miley Cyrus? Wow! Why isn't this movie just creaming out the awards? Lets be honest though, I did enjoy this movie to a certain extent with a dog that has the Lassie formula going on and a Hamster who's seen him from the "talking box thingy". Sadly though you're competing with Wall-E. It has that guy who voiced R2-D2 and he's competing with? A scientologist with greasy hair and one of the top ten most wanted jail bait, and we all know who the Academy Awards people really are. That's right, closet 'Star War' nerds.

Rachel Getting Married

This is NOT a CHICK FLICK. I repeat this is NOT a CHICK FLICK. If anyone can claw that best actress award away from Kate Winslet its our Annie. Although, feel free to literally try and grab it if Katey does win, and don't be afraid to do outside, on the lawn, in the mud, all sweaty and pink, er, excuse me for a second. *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* Ahh, much better.

Happy-Go-Lucky

A sweet little movie about an ever optimistic girl. I've tried doing a couple of those before, but my lawyers always party poop by trying to explain about the concept about "consent". This film deserves every inch if the Oscar for best original screenplay.

In Bruges

Uh, what? It's funny I know but so am I when I catch genital herpes. (Some girls and guys dig the bumps)So. Uh, what?

Defiance

First he made fun out South Africans by casting Leornado Di Caprio to shell out the worst South African accent in the world, then he made fun of the Japanese by forcing Tom Cruise to pretend that he likes Japanese people. So I guess it's the Jew's turn as Daniel Craig shells out the worst Jewish accent in history while pretending that he like Jews. This proves his worth by being nominated for the best music written. Yow. That's the lowest of all low blows and believe me, I know low blows. Is your stomach cramping up too Daniel?

The Duchess

This movie got nominated for best costume design! Score! Nothing like being nominated for a pity award to justify spending millions of dollars (or pounds) and only receiving a target audience of all the anorexic girls. So what are you missing? Colin Firth! Duh, he's so dreamy. I just want to powder my face and yell "Excuse me Mr. Darcy" over and over and over, but he has a restraining order against me.

Australia

Australia got nominated for best costume design just so that the Aussies can save face and pretend that this movie is actually an epic in some way. I find lowering your expectations allows you to appreciate things more, like breasts sizes, realistic blow up dolls and this movie. Oh wait. No. This movie still sucks. Run Nicole! Run! They're trying to kill you and your career!

Stay tuned for the 2nd part of this post where the real heavy contenders are reviewed by yours truly.
Till then, grab your dicks and get ready to double click.

Hugs and Kisses,

AP