And the Oscars go to! Pt.1

Hey Jude!

Please, oh please! Don't make it bad. Let the Oscars go to the right people, but what can us mere mortals do when it is the great gods of the 'Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' that toss in their votes, throw their big sacks around and decide who we can jerk off to?

Oh well, at least we get to vote during the prestigious People's Choice Awards. *comical pause*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my, oh my, *single tear* Excuse me. Heh heh

Oooh Lordy.

Anyway, here is the FIRST part of everyone's favourite penis's reviews on the nominated movies. (This review does not include foreign films, documentaries or short films, because lets face it, they're not real movies.)

Frost/Nixon

Someone though it would be a brilliant idea to take a really, really old interview and turn it into a movie. Normally this would be a bad idea since it would be well, boring. However this someone is the same screen writer who wrote, 'The Last King of Scotland' and 'The Queen'. So I begrudgingly watched it and guess what? I didn't hate it and neither did the academy because they nominated them for 5 awards. So now that we know this formula works. Someone please make a movie about that interview with Howard Stern and those babes who like to ride that vibrating horse saddle. Please?

Changeling

Angelina Jolie's first Academy Award for not acting as a skanky ho with lots of tattoos. One thing though. I didn't understand the movie. She lost her boy and so they gave her a brand new one. So why is she complaining? It's not like she remembers the father of that one night stand anyway. For all she knows, the kids could have been brothers. They look the same to me, but then again to me all you white people look the same.

The Visitor

A soulless, passionless man who has lost his way in life. I can relate to that, me being stuck in a pair of overly tight jeans, with no woman or man to fondiddle for over 5 months, force to release my tension over a stupid! Worthless! Blog! Just because my master can't flirt to save his life! Stuck being limp and brittle! Years without any sort of personal petti....... Ahem, sorry lads and lassies. Just a bit of the old tiger jumping out of the cage there. Ahem, anyway yes, ahem, this movie. Good.

Frozen River

This movie is about lesbians or immigrants or disgruntled husbands or something. Ok, I didn't actually watch this film per say but in my defense I did watch the first 5 minutes of this and then fell asleep. I then watched Iron Man for the fourth time and didn't feel like maiming myself anymore. Do me a favour, watch something else. I guarantee you won't feel like slitting your dorsal vein. Er, best of luck to you Frozen River people?

Doubt

Without a "Doubt" this movie will at least one of the 5 awards its been nominated for, but have you seen this movie? It's about Meryl Streep being sexually frustrated and can't stand Philip Hoffman for not playing by her rules like all the other good little boys do under her domination, it then turns out she and Hoffman always get really close to getting it on with one other but like a premature ejaculation, its over before it even starts. Oh beat me too Meryl, I've been a bad little boy or at least pass it to Amy. Meow!

Waltz With Bashir

Stunning movie about a Jew who can't remember a thing about his war in Lebanon while all his friends are having nightmares. Aww, poor guy. Let me ask the 500 plus plus dead Lebanese what they think. Nope. They don't seem to care much with them being dead and all. Sorry Ari, not a bad movie, just bad movie timing I guess. Otherwise your movie with its cartoon boobies would have normally been on top of my stack of Playgirls for easy reach.

Bolt

John Travolta AND Miley Cyrus? Wow! Why isn't this movie just creaming out the awards? Lets be honest though, I did enjoy this movie to a certain extent with a dog that has the Lassie formula going on and a Hamster who's seen him from the "talking box thingy". Sadly though you're competing with Wall-E. It has that guy who voiced R2-D2 and he's competing with? A scientologist with greasy hair and one of the top ten most wanted jail bait, and we all know who the Academy Awards people really are. That's right, closet 'Star War' nerds.

Rachel Getting Married

This is NOT a CHICK FLICK. I repeat this is NOT a CHICK FLICK. If anyone can claw that best actress award away from Kate Winslet its our Annie. Although, feel free to literally try and grab it if Katey does win, and don't be afraid to do outside, on the lawn, in the mud, all sweaty and pink, er, excuse me for a second. *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* Ahh, much better.

Happy-Go-Lucky

A sweet little movie about an ever optimistic girl. I've tried doing a couple of those before, but my lawyers always party poop by trying to explain about the concept about "consent". This film deserves every inch if the Oscar for best original screenplay.

In Bruges

Uh, what? It's funny I know but so am I when I catch genital herpes. (Some girls and guys dig the bumps)So. Uh, what?

Defiance

First he made fun out South Africans by casting Leornado Di Caprio to shell out the worst South African accent in the world, then he made fun of the Japanese by forcing Tom Cruise to pretend that he likes Japanese people. So I guess it's the Jew's turn as Daniel Craig shells out the worst Jewish accent in history while pretending that he like Jews. This proves his worth by being nominated for the best music written. Yow. That's the lowest of all low blows and believe me, I know low blows. Is your stomach cramping up too Daniel?

The Duchess

This movie got nominated for best costume design! Score! Nothing like being nominated for a pity award to justify spending millions of dollars (or pounds) and only receiving a target audience of all the anorexic girls. So what are you missing? Colin Firth! Duh, he's so dreamy. I just want to powder my face and yell "Excuse me Mr. Darcy" over and over and over, but he has a restraining order against me.

Australia

Australia got nominated for best costume design just so that the Aussies can save face and pretend that this movie is actually an epic in some way. I find lowering your expectations allows you to appreciate things more, like breasts sizes, realistic blow up dolls and this movie. Oh wait. No. This movie still sucks. Run Nicole! Run! They're trying to kill you and your career!

Stay tuned for the 2nd part of this post where the real heavy contenders are reviewed by yours truly.
Till then, grab your dicks and get ready to double click.

Hugs and Kisses,

AP

Whoa oh oh!

Many e-mails in the old inbox saying that I'm a fucking dick and a big fag.
Thanks for the compliments guys and dolls! I love you all too!

Just for that I leave you with words of wisdom from my favourtie Irish poet E. E. Cummings;

Between the breasts
of bestial
Marj lie large
men who praise

Marj's cleancornered strokable
body these men's
fingers toss trunks
shuffle sacks spin kegs they

Curl
loving
around
beers

The world has
these men's hands but their
bodies big and boozing
belong to

Marj

The greenslim purse of whose
face opens
on a fatgold

Grin
hooray
hoorah for the large
men who lie

Between the breasts
of bestial Marj
for the strong men
who

Sleep between the legs of Lil

I just have to say, I wish I was back in the old days and in Ireland. Booze and orgies. Yes please. Though I'd miss the tentacle fun of Japan.

Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses,

AP

I got it from Obama

My fellow organs,

I stand proud and tall today in honour of a great man's inaugural in to becoming THE 44th president of the United States of America.

Obama Hussein Barack Jr. or Barry as I call him, *wink* *wink* is finally president.

Yes Obama's achievements stretches far beyond the reaches of any man, who can forget the time he, or that time when he, and then he did that thing with the thing that everyone talked about, well some people talked about it, well actually no one knew what it was. Wait, what has he done and why are so many people boob flashing him during the inaugural? I don't know about you guys but I was just watching to see if any white trash hicks would try to shoot an armoured vehicle for shits and giggles. To my dismay this one was pretty much the same, not as fun as the time that eggs where thrown at Bush and not as exciting as realizing that Clinton was receiving a BJ during his oath.

So what has he done?

Oh yes, nothing yet you say? But he brings hope to the people you say?
Right, hope. There was I time that I hoped to grow 2 inches taller. Yes, I put a heavy rock on my head and let gravity be my guide. Well guess what hope got me? A year of bruised lonliness. Damn you mother nature for not making me an alpha male.

Oh right, he's a stepping stone for black people everywhere being the first black man in power you say?

Well last time I check Ghana wasn't being ruled by a Jew.

Oh you mean of a powerful nation you jerk you say?

Well if you've masturbated over the movie 300 on that number of times, like I did. The Persian guy was black wasn't he? I never know, I wear sunglasses during the last 299 viewings because too many awesome pecs makes me burst out in excitement rather early.

Oh you mean he's the first most powerful black man in the MODERN world and of the most powerful nation in existence you inconsiderate ass you say?

Well you have a point there but technically he's half white, so technically can't be categorised so easily, so technically "hah your face!". Besides he's not really black. Does hes listen to fiddy? No! Does hes put on da presidential bling? No! Does he scores with the shorties that have them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps and then give that big booty a smack? No! He hit the floor! He hit the fl- crap. Sorry I er, strayed a little there.

Oh you mean he's there for the black people you racist you say?

See I thought he was there for ALL of America, well turns out that he's only there for 12.85% of the population. Screw the other 1% of white people and 86% of hispanics. (yes I know this number is wrong you moron I was trying to make a joke)

Oh you mean just shut up you racist McCain supporter and wait till he proves you wrong you say?

Ok hold up for just a second. First of all I'm waiting in anticipation for the Obama show as you can probably tell by my master's pants. Second of all I'm NOT a McCain supporter because I do not have old man fetishes although I did nearly get what my master calls a "boner" when "accidentally" running into my gram gram once being wrestled to the ground by grand pa pa and, well lets just say my gram gram had a smile on both sides for days.

Oh why do you hate Obama so much you dick head you say? (I'm not going to argue with that, I am in fact a dick head, yea, so who's embarrassed now?)

I don't HATE Obama, in fact my mouth waters, well creams, just thinking about his soft luscious lips and that shaved fuzzy head and, ooh excuse me I need a wipe off for a second. I just don't enjoy the fact that we celebrate a man that has done nothing but just who he is. He should be celebrated based on his success not for being black and talking like a "proper" gentleman. I mean if I was born with as a twin or even as a triplet, would my master be the most wanted man by the ladies and the envy of men everywhere? No! It would depend on the crowning achievements of doing Anne Hathaway, Katy Perry and Jennifer Love Hewitt at the same time isn't it? Then I would be glorified as the God of Orgies. (sigh, such is the dream of a lowly man dinger)

Furthermore this man is not Ghandi or the Prophet Muhammad or Jesus or Jenna Jameson. He's not going to bring about radical change as you dimwits all suspect. He is simply a man doing his best to do his job and stay sexy. All of you who put too much faith in him will be dissapointed and I hate you all for putting such stress on my Barry warry.

So that's all I have to say my little pretties, until next time, "Veni, Vidi, Vici" which means "I came, I saw, I rented a 3 dollar porno". I think.

P.S. - Any non-American who's a radical Obama lover deserves to be shot on sight. Get your own country you mutt.

Hugs and Kisses,

AP

Allllllllllllrighty Then

What a year that was my fellow orifices!

P-hew, I am offically off being such a downer and ready to start the new year ahead with a great big bang. Well, hopefully with many bangs actually. Any volunteers at this point are appreciated.

I must say though that this year is definetly not going well for all of you people, while I snuggle comfortably in a nice cozy pair of denims, some of you have been subjected to bank anal probing, forced to be mother nature's favourtie bitch and there are even some of you that no longer enjoy each other's company.

All this is causing missles to fly. And believe me, I know that when my missles starts a flying, everyone gets creamed and splattered. What I don't understand is that why you're complaining who your neighbours are. I'm next door buddies to a pair of nutcases and an asshole but you don't see me cuming all over them and telling them what to do. If I did, the asshole will probably start firing his shit everywhere and the two nutcases will explode resulting in chaos! All this battering would then just leave me a gaping hole of a pussy. Tolerance my fellow genitalia. I'm just saying.

But enough about all this, what I want to seriously talk about is a major issue this year that has sweeped the world. The UN couldn't stop it from happening. America certainly doesn't want to interfere. Friends are fighting in debate over who is right. Thousands have marched in protest in sheer outrage! All this apocolyptic scenery is caused by the fact that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might have really broken up!

Damn!
Who knew that sweet lesbian love would not last forever. I've had this recurring dream of being a sweet innocent va-jayjay caught in the middle of some sweet threesome LoRo loving and now, that dream has been crushed, just like any future office parties at the Lehman Brothers.

Inside her ever "famous" myspace page she was quoted saying that,

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six... AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It's really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc... NOT TRUE

:) xoxox Lindsay

But it's a lie isn't it you dildo loving whore! TMZ told me that you did! So why did you do it?! Why?!

Sigh, I guess it was a matter of time seeing that no matter how much R&D funding Lindsay donates to strap on research, it can't change the fact that although Samantha Ronson has more masculine looks than the Jonas Brothers, she will never have an actual penis. And boy I know that this girl love the penis.

It might be good for the both of them to get away from one another for a while. Maybe it'll change Lindsay and Samantha back into this,




























and this,














Instead of this,






























Oh the humanity.
With that I leave you with a bit of other news.
Christiano Ronaldo NEARLY crashed his pricey red Ferrari in a tunnel and came out unscratched. Score one for another failed plot to kill this Portugese ball chin. Try harder next time MI6.

Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP