Jingle me silly big boy and an orgasmic New Year!

Ho ho hos!

They're everywhere but my master just can't seem to scratch the itch on my neck nor am I given the opportunity for any form of spelunking. All these cock blocking relative visits are whithering my mojo into low blows and I'm really out of practise with my reverse cowgirl. However my pretties you can still have some holiday "cheer" if you LISTEN UP and let your old uncle P tell you how to survive the holidays without lowering the gauge on your sexometer.

1. If Santa asks you to sit on his lap, don't question "why" the candy cane in his pocket.

2. If aunt Bess asks you to kiss her on the cheek, go French. 67% of the time she'll think it's an accident.
(note avoid drunk uncle Steve because psychiatrists are expensive)

3. When making the roast bird, do not be afraid of stuffing it with something other than corn flour and asparagus.

4. Technically 2nd cousins are not really related to you.

5. When having guests over for dinner, don't be afraid to drop in subtle sexual innuendos in your conversations such as "My roasted yams aren't the only things that are hot and pink" or "These party poppers are really hard to pull, nothing seems to be coming out. Can you help me?"

6. Grab the ugly faced girl in the room if you have no one to kiss during the new year countdown. That's what paper bags are for.

7. When dancing with any hot relative, any form of close grinding can have positive outcomes without having the bad one night stand and the morning's early chase down by your enraged uncle.

8. You know the trick where you cut out a hole in a box, stick your finger in, pour some blood over it and pretended that there's a cut off finger inside? Now do that but pretend like you just gave her a vibrator. Works for pizza boys.

9. In the really difficult cases, Christmas lights and Christmas stockings can double up as ropes and gags.

10. Don't be a jerk and stick a roofie into the girl's champagne. Share it with everyone and slip it into the bottle. The Romans call this an orgy.

That's it! If it doesn't work I guess it's back to the sticky magazines.
And remember my lovelies.
A bird in your hand is worth 2 fingers in her bush



Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Google Me

Hey Stalkers,

I’m Google famous!! So I’m the famed Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

As you can tell from my unusually short opening line, this is going to be a microscopic update. Its sole purpose is just to scream, “I’m famous now and all you CF out there should step aside”. A bit of a slap on the face you say? Well I’m a winner.. And I bet that bastard Thai boy, Thaksin is kicking himself for cheating on me now, HAH!!

Anyway, here’s what I’m on about. I Google searched myself just a second ago. Vain? I know. But would you believe it, I’m the first hit!! A bit skeptical? Well try it yourself, Google search “Arafat’s Penis”, and the first hit is yours truly!! Me!! All one and quarter inch of me!! Next stop a facebook fanpage or a wiki page even!! After that, the silver screen!! Though.. Actually the role that I might be offered can be some what limited due to my nature..

All jokes aside though, I’d like to thank my lovely Stalkers for their stalking and support. Keep on stalking this space people!!


Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Time Out!!

Hello Stalkers,

As adequately put by this entry’s title, we’re taking a break!! That’s right people; a break from studies, a break from those cheating bastards, a break from this weather. Finally, we’re heading home. So I’m Arafat’s Penis and here’s what I’m thinking..

Finally I’m getting myself out of this godforsaken land!! After spending months freezing the twins off in the English winter, I’m coming back to Kuala Lumpur, hello “optimal little Arafats producing temperature”. By the end of this break, even Michael Phelps can’t beat these babies. For those KL crotches who are interested for a reunion, this not so little pinky is making his return tomorrow!! Yup, we’re taking a break from everything except the Tupperware Parties. Well, certain habits are nigh on impossible to break.

As you can surmise from this and previous entries, this whole blog in fact, I’m a horny little bugger. As such, I’m going to be inundated by Tupperware Parties, thus this leaves little time for me to update this little “Peeping Tom” of a hole into my life. Good news is that I’ve got more one on one time for those who have the balls to ask.

Anyway, this is me signing out of the web and signing into your pants.


Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses

AP

Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of screeen filming!

Felicitations,

In my time of day when master does not decide to take me out like a guitar and give me a little twang, I watch bucket loads of movies. So here's some of the movies that i think you should come to.


Dragon Ball Z

To be honest I thought my two good friends would touch the floor before I ever got to see a live action movie of Dragon Ball Z, but with the men having hair like they've watched There's Something About Mary too many times I get worried. The bright side is more American women doing cosplay to look like the girls in Dragon Ball Z. Please don't ruin this movie or I'll never give sexual pleasure ever again.

Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans

Dear God, we thank thee once again for putting Kate Beckinsale in skin tight clothing and letting her be taken by werewolves an...... wait a flying falangie! Who the foreplay is Rhona Mita? That Doomsday girl? Okay. I'm too sad to continue. NEXT! (sounds of masturbating stop)

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Oh lookie lookie, my fantasies of dolls turning into real people have come true. G.I. Joe, as you know, use to teach me that "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!" then they go on to shoot many many bad guys with their big guns. Army men fighting terrorist. Wow. That doesn't happen in real life. Now if King Cobra opens his mask and turns out to be Osama bin Laden, I'd die happy.

The Spirit

Good old Frank Miller is a God, by simply waving his hands, has somehow opened my helmet, took a peek inside and turned Jessica Alba into a bootylicious stripper with his left hand and zapped speedos on 300 men with his right hand. With his new movie the spirit, he's manage to coax the Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendez into thinking that they are naughty and need to be spanked while giving Samuel L. Jackson a hammer a size smaller than his fleshy one. I should know. (wink, wink) I can't wait to give this one a good seeing to.

Star Trek

Personally I'm not a 45 year old man living in his mother's basement with a Dorrito coloured
winkie but I get all aroused when they say that J.J. Abrahams is doing the new Star Trek movie. I shrunk into my balls when I saw the evil man eating cloud in Lost and cheered on that huge beast in Cloverfield so I must say that maybe I'll give it a go to wearing a skin coloured vagina on my foreskin while growing a pubic beard and speak in the language of geeks everywhere.

Watchmen

If Batman was a prick into the dark side of super heroism, this movie will be the Ron Jeremy's dick fitted into the tiny orifice of dark super hero movies. If you've read this comic before you're probably need dentures before you can blow but please go see this movie and give it the old yahoo. Besides, you all know how I am with men and women in tights. My S&M fantasy grows ever closer as more movies like this make it okay for normal people to wear these kinds of clothes in public, and for that, I stand tall and salute you!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Chinese people everywhere have to put a new animal in their calenders as indeed this seems the year of the Wolverine. I preferred watching Hugh Jackman when he hosted that musical award show that nobody watches, he seemed so much happier then, but I cannot lie and say that I do not look forward to this movie penetrating the market once again and giving us all orgasms as we sit in our ten dollar chairs.


Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

(Masturbating sounds start up again) Okay so there's no poster for this movie, yet. When it does come out I know that it will be that of Megan Fox covered by only a see through sheet in a compromising position or else I shall personally spill my home made Mountain Dew all over Michael Bay's garden. Big robots and Megan Fox! What's not to like? Now if only I could get big robots WITH Megan Fox. I'd die of over-ejaculation, but happy.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

"I'm safe with you Harry," if that is not the official slogan for the national American man boy love association I don't know what is. I do enjoy adults acting as teenagers but only in Japanese porno so when they said there will be the same cast for this movie I was less than enthused. However the bright light in this movie is seeing how much Hermoine Granger has grown. I'd dress up as a wand and stick it to her any day.


The Day the Earth Stood Still

If any of you have ever watched the original movie you'd notice that the alien was a stiff robot that spoke in a monotone that could only move to the beat of Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto so I guess casting Keanu Reeves as the main actor was for original movie authenticity. I look forward to the day everyone stops worrying about the world blowing up and agree to have a threesome with me. Ho hum. I digress. This movie will entertain you, if you're a smelly ginger head man walking with a huge sign saying "Da edn of da wurld is nigggh."

Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

I'm sad to say this but saber tooth squirrels trying to catch their nuts has finally lost its comedic value. Why did Ray Romano stop making "Everybody loves Raymond," and switch to this crap? I rather see his white ass humping his MILF of a wife then 2 large woolly mammoths playing twister. Please get eaten by that large dinosaur and put us out of our misery.


Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian

Uh-oh. I gave away the ending to the plot. Whoopsie. Now I guess you have to go watch a REAL movie. That being said, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the first movie greatly but when you replace Robin Williams with Amy Adams I'm gonna stab you in the butt. I will watch this movie, but only if I get the option of not watching it to some kid asking his mum what's happening every 3 seconds.

Terminator: Salvation

I refuse to watch a Terminator movie where I don't hear the words "Hasta La Vista Baby" but our Knight in Dark Amour Christian Bale has come to save the day. Or well, the future. I don't know much about this movie but if the Guh-vuh-nar of Kali-for-nia flashes his pecs at me and says "Go see my movie now puny man," I'll buy all the seats in the house.

Angels and Demons

Finally! A movie with no men and women in tights shooting laser beams out of their eyes, wait, what am I cheering for? I love my tights. It makes me look, larger. Angels and Demons? More like Atheists vs. Jesus. I enjoy reading the books and finding conspiracies behind every single Jesus related material such as Christmas actually being the day when the Atheist Lord rising from Dan Brown's head to destroy all religion. I'll go watch this movie but only because Tom Hank charms me like a snake rising out of a basket and to see the expression of uncomfortable Christians squirming as they're being told that their whole life is a lie. Oh joy! Oh by the way there are no arguments in this blog about religion because I don't want to get bombed in my hotel room or get the finger from the pope.

So in conclusion, go watch movies. They're good for your imagination and remember, tight clothing is the new in thing especially around me.

Till next time,
Hugs and Kisses,

AP

Every Sperm is Sacred!

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

The Penis Song by Monty Phython

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger.
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork.
Your wife's best friend.
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public.
Or they will stick you in the dock.
And you won't a-come a-back.

Hugs and Kisses,
AP